rage, rage, against the dying of the light
9/3/2026
Honestly, I’m not having a great day.
I wouldn’t say it’s a no good, very bad, horrible day. But my brain CONSISTENTLY keeps PUSHING this over dramatic, overwhelming, overthinking narrative. You know when you try your best to like, NOT get sucked into the abyss of an overactive-kinda-pessimistic-mind, but nothing, NOTHING, you do helps? Not delicious and terrible Stewart’s pepperoni pizza, and not an hour of sitting on the couch watching Desperate Housewives (yes, we are still on the show, Season 7!), and not even a doom scroll. Nothing can distract me from being annoyed. That is me today. Happy fuhreaking Thursday.
Also, happy 2nd post on byrachelhope for those who celebrate! I would apologize for not posting more in the month of August, but also, are you kidding me? I think I had a total of 3 not-busy days out of all 31, so regrettably the attention span had only enough bandwidth for that which was directly in my line of sight, and my laptop was SHUT.
So let's see - September, OR, a new month, or a new SEASON — what is that bringing up for you? As well as bad moods, why are we holding there? What can we do to soften it? — Or should we just keep rage, raging against the dying of the light? If neither of these topics interest you - I really think you should scooch on out (& over to my yoga offerings) cause Girl is STUCK on a soap box currently.
hello september
First month of Fall. A time when traditionally, people are starting to scurry about prepping for winter, getting everything ready to really settle in for a few months. Literally we hoard candy (Halloween) and harvest everything (Thanksgiving), and then BUNKER DOWN because December gets cold, and still, and dark.
Did you know that I used to live in Florida? And before that Thailand? AND before that Florida again? And finally, California, where I was born. All places with hot & sun & very few markers that a season is changing. In Florida September is just another month. October too. Sometimes on Thanksgiving we celebrated by doing a beach day before dinner. The point is, it doesn’t get so cold there & it doesn’t get so dark.
Here in upstate-ish New York Daylight Savings Time seems to be the real moment we know fall is here, but even before then you can tell. From where I stood before, September was always hot (clearly still summer). But now I can see this changing of seasons like clockwork. I can feel it in the crisp morning and evening air. I can smell it in the scent of cut grass that’s just a little less vibrant, more deep. And I can see it in how the sun glimmers and waxes more golden than bright. More than that, I can sense it in my moods, my emotions. (Not the bad mood, that’s just, IDK for some god awful reason TODAY.) BUT I felt that little peep of Fall-emotion come-in the other afternoon.
Quick backstory: When you move to the Hudson Valley, NY from the beautiful Space Coast, Brevard County, Florida, people say three things:
1.) Why would you move HERE?!?!?
2.) The shopping here is SHIT!
3.) Watch out for Seasonal Depression!
(it is SUPER fun to live here, swear. Come be my friend. We are LONELY.)
So basically, my welcome wagon warned me about seasons well before I actually realized what they were. You see, I always lived in the heat. In the places where you might get a 60-degree week in mid January or February, Maybe a 70-degree month somewhere in there, but basically you were good to rock tank tops and flips and cut-offs year round. This also meant that beyond the rainy days, (which you always learned to love), it was sunny ALL THE DAMN TIME. And I'm not dumb, I KNEW about seasons, I just had never really experienced them in their full glory. And I love them. Truly I whole heartedly love these cyclical things of beauty that remind us what it is to live; that mimic each second, minute, hour; our entire life cycle. But after 4 years of living here, I have to admit, the initial coming of the darker seasons (Fall/Winter) brings me pause.
The idea that in 3 short months the sun will be asleep by 4, and people will begin to stop leaving their homes for drinks, or lunches, or whatever it may be. The body begins to prepare to go inward for winter. For those antisocial types, I have heard this is the best season EVER. For us social types it takes a lot of courage to go into this season time and time again, WILLINGLY, and without too much fuss.
Honestly, every year I end up a few weeks into deep fall, calling my sister Rebekah, crying, asking her if she has ever felt this lonely, if she has ever felt like she has no friends, because no one is making time to call or text or make plans, and being a yoga teacher and private business owner is great until 80% of your day is spent at home alone, with your dog, while your husband works and comes home too tired to go anywhere, so both your day and your evening are spent in the home you are in 24/7 and you feel crazy, and so lonely, and low. A girls-girl through and through, who was gifted her own little cocktail of deep-emotions at birth, she always reassures me. She reminds me that I make this phone call every year. She reminds me how loved I am, and by so many people. She reminds me that Fall is the time for winding down, and that I am Light & Air & Fire & mostly RAGING WATER that never likes to be still, that never wants to freeze, but that even I need to make space for stillness. & then, like good big sisters do, she makes plans to come visit for the Holidays, and stay a while so we can girl-talk and wine-night, and so I can remember how not lonely I am, and how I do have people who see me, cherish me, and root for me, even when I’m huddled in my own little corner of grief.
& now the mood…
I started the day at like BURN IT ALL DOWN, and have now quietly moved to SUCKS TO SUCK, so I would call that progress ☺️.
Honestly, writing out how I am feeling so tentative and hesitant coming into fall kind of helped? It reminded me that this is how I feel this time of year (cyclical…. weird 😉). AND that reminds me that a few times a month, I just end up in a bad mood from the start. It reminded me that IT HAPPENS, and ITS OKAY, because it’s LIFE. I have never promised 24/7 Sunshine & Rainbows, but instead, complete & utter MYSELF in every moment I can, which comes with Sunshine - Thunderstorms - Curse Words - Please & Thank You’s - Smiles - Tears - Deep Breaths - Exasperated Sighs - Tequila - & maybe a Sun Soaked prism or two.
So maybe the bad mood is just a thing that happened. Maybe the why isn’t so important. (Who knows?). In my experience, that feeling of waking up on the wrong side of the bed tends to go away once you realize it’s there & make a conscious effort to change it. However, there is a particular type of bad mood that I find emanates from past conversations that have been halted mid-fix, or from feelings that have been pushed aside a few too many times. This particular type of bad mood has you constantly shifting the blame to everyone outside of you - before realizing that maybe (just maybe) the hurt is emanating from somewhere inside that you need to work through and heal. That, my loves, is where I feel I am at today: trying so hard for most of the morning to blame & be angry with everything and everyone around me- but realizing that it’s me who needs to be opened up, excavated, put up to the spotlight and tried for my own crimes.
& how do we hold trials for crimes we commit against ourselves and others? How do we hold ourselves accountable & not just blame, but grow and heal and get better?
Honestly, I am the first to admit that I don’t have all the answers, I only know what I do and what seems to help for myself. But here and now - in this moment where I KNOW that I need to work on softening - I go inward. I sift through the moments that are making my blood boil and really truly ask myself what I did to contribute to the boiling. As cliche as it sounds there are always three sides to any story; What they did, What I did, and How it actually happened. And every time I sit with those stories and the blood begins to boil and I feel myself playing victim, I take deep breaths and get back to the meat of it — Because YES, I am feeling Hurt/Sad/Frustrated/Angry/Annoyed, but also what Hurt/Sad/Frustration/Anger/Annoyance did I project to them? Can I accept and GROW from my own flaws.
I am here to tell you that this is not a perfect practice, that I often fail at it, that I frequently side with myself, and it sometimes takes a long time to see where and how I could have acted differently and better. I am also here to tell you that sometimes you think over a situation and realize that you DO NOT WANT to change anything on how you feel or what you DID, or SAID, because you truly feel you were right, (for real, sometimes people just need to be better) & THAT’S OKAY! But, going through the process, seeing where you can grow, and where you feel happy with your current growth; that’s the beauty. That’s the good stuff.
So, Yes — keep raging if you feel the rage is warranted! But also, if you want to, take a quiet second look, and see if maybe parts of that rage were misplaced, and if only you can fix them?
See now I have gone down from SUCKS to SUCK to GET OUT YOUR JOURNAL & EXCAVATE, GIRLIE! (Honestly, a little bummed, I love SUCKS-TO-SUCK Rachel, she has that spicy Cancer Season energy that makes me all giddy inside.). But also, isn’t it funny that we write about Fall & going inward and then about the bad mood, and excavation and then BOOM, here we are…. going inward….
anyways….
Fun stuff right? You didn’t think some chick on the internet who seems all zen & offers private yoga would have all this real-life nonsense in her blog for all the world to see, huh? Well that is me, and I am HONORED to share it with you. Maybe more than that, I feel it’s one of the most important things in the world to really get these emotions out. Out onto paper. Out into text. Out in conversation. Just out.
I don’t have a poem for you today. Don’t be mad. It’s coming.
Talk soon.
Love,
Rachel Hope
ps. Oh, & I hope this helped you breathe a little easier.
In lieu of a poem, check out: my FAVORITE Air Freshener; My husband using the tiniest hammer during daughter’s dorm set up; My first PSL of the season; The hidden pumpkin we didn't know we grew; & dropping off the kid at college. What a freaking WEEK.